Waiting Mama...Holiday Time (again)

Forget the paperwork.  Forget the money.  Forget the time.  I speak to you today from the very bottom of my very battered and bruised heart.  The reality is, for our waiting family, the holidays are brutal.  At this point, I feel the need to offer my apologies because I grow nervous that some will take offense.  However, after three years of consoling others about our situation, I feel the need to give it straight, if not for anyone but myself, or maybe others who can empathize with our struggle.  It's exhausting pretending to be happy...plus I'm not that good of an actress.

I will smile, and laugh, and feel genuine happiness during this time.  Yet underneath everything, is a thickening layer of ache.  A widening want for the Christmas morning I am awoken too early by my overly eager little and sleepily watch as they reveal the contents of their stocking.  I cannot describe this ache, it goes well beyond anything else I have ever wanted in my life.  It's an empty feeling, like someone drained my insides.  Being a mother w/o a child is a hollow feeling. 

It's not Christmas that's the problem.  The real deal is that holidays are time markers....letting us know that more days/weeks/months have passed.  This is the third holiday season we are entering on this journey.  We have joyously watched as countless friends and family have welcomed babies over the years and continue to do so.  The happiness we feel for others is in a completely different realm than our sorrow over our own empty crib.

What are we doing to get through it? 

•  LIVE.  eat, sleep, work, play, etc...
• Prepare (when we're up to it...no sense forcing decorating or baby-proofing if we can't enjoy it)
• Care for ourselves (meditate, exercise, eat well, cry)
• Love others from a distance (i.e. hiatus from facebook & other social media sites---remain in touch with few through email & text, send our prayers out daily, and avoid the daily bombardment of photos/announcements/etc...)

 Recommendations for those around us during this difficult time

• LIVE.  eat, work, enjoy life, share good news with us (yes, I've asked friends to share their pregnancy news via email with me----this is just me, but I prefer to react in whatever way feels right at the time for me.  I will call when I think I can handle it.  :) 
• Know that we're SAD, we're not DYING
• Accept our hermit status (being around others asking well-intentioned questions might bring on anxiety)
• Pity is unnecessary.
• Read something on adoption...learn some of the terms we might use
• What can you say?  Like anyone going through a hard time, the best thing I've found is to echo back their feelings.  Saying things like "It will happen when it's supposed to," reminds me of the control I know I don't have. 
• I hesitate to write this last one, because I know it's always said with such good intentions, but please don't tell me as soon as we adopt I'll get pregnant.  It's so easy to say, and I've even bought into it.  The reality is that I've already mourned that part (although adoption for me was never a second best way of building a family---it is one of the ways I've always wanted to build a family)  

All we can do is hope and pray that our post in 365 days from now will be very different from today's. 

A most blessed and happy holidays to all.
Our thoughts and prayers are with our family and friends and of course, our little one(s) waiting on us.  We're doing everything we can baby. 

Nkwagala (I love you)

"If I have ever seen magic, it has been in Africa." -John Hemingway

Orphan Sunday, 2013

We haven't posted for so long!  Each year, the beginning of the school year always zooms by and before we know it, the holidays are approaching!

Truth be told, there hasn't been any information to share.  We've been made aware that we will most likely not get our referral until the new year.  As always, we continue to try and understand this journey and accept that we have no control over this part of our lives.   The coming holidays are most likely going to prove difficult.  Holidays (any and all and sometimes, none) can prove extremely difficult to those waiting on a child.  Yes, I broke down on the 4th of July this year...  We ask for your prayers and understanding during this very difficult time for us.

 Below is a video a fellow adoptive family made.  It's beautiful.  

 

Joy! Joy! Joy!

The next best thing to learning about our own adoptive future, is experiencing the joy of other adoptive families!  To know that another child has found their forever home and another family feels complete.  A week from Monday, I am privileged to attend my very first airport party for a friend returning home with her daughter.  I cannot wait to see the joy on her face!

I cannot stress how important making connections with other adoptive families is during this journey.  Although we are all on different roads, they all lead to family.  The support we give one another during this amazingly difficult journey is an absolute necessity! 

First Day of School!

This time of year is always filled with a range of emotions for us.  Excitement about the awesome kids we're going to have in our classrooms this year, nervousness about how we'll meet their needs, bummers that we can't sleep in anymore...  This year, however, we are faced with a new emotion.  Tony and I spend our days taking care of other people's children.  Now that we are (hopefully) on the cusp of becoming parents ourselves, it's creeping into our consciousness that others will soon be the teachers and caretakers of our children.  With that in mind, we go into this year with the mindset that the little ones coming into our room are someone else's whole world.  Although we have known this before, our awareness is heightened.  I can't wait to support all the amazing work the parents of my students have already done and become a partner in the success of their children!  :)  Happy school year everyone!

Waiting to Be Rescued

When Fridays come, I used to think it was a reprieve.  Spending the entire week waiting for 'The Call' is seriously exhausting.  However, on Friday evenings, I find myself stressed that I now have to wait for two days before we can wait again. 

Please pray that we receive a referral next week.  We are ready to be rescued.  

Baby Room!

There is no news to report as of today.  The only other news is that we've continued to work on the baby room.  (And I discovered Panoramic on my iPhone) :)

K & T

Update-ish

Unfortunately, there isn't much to report as of late.  We haven't yet heard anything from our agency about our adoption.  Our situation is very different than many other countries.  For example, we do not receive a number and stand in line.  The partners in country and our agency here match families with children.  Essentially, we won't know ANYTHING until we know EVERYTHING!   We have, however, continued to connect with many other families!  In fact, one family is leaving TODAY to meet their little girl!  :)  Our prayers and thoughts are with them during their stay.  We pray for a safe & healthy trip and a speedy process to bring her home soon!



Adorable pic of the day...our puppy Sam has been found lying in the baby room in front of the crib.  This is most unusual as she normally is never even in that room!  She must be waiting for her bestie! 

Making Connections

Over the past week we have had the amazing pleasure of connecting with other families!  Facebook is an amazing tool!  I immediately felt a sense of relief that I finally have people to really talk to about our situation.  We have been blessed to have amazing support from family and friends but as anyone in a unique situation can understand, you find an additional sense of peace when talking with others who have gone through what you have.

Collectively, we are working on packing lists, notes on travel/hotels, etc...  Awesome!

Happy Memorial Day

For the long weekend, we decided to roll up our sleeves and get some work done!  I love the idea of painting, I even love the feeling when you're covering that old paint with new and how clean everything feels.  I find the prep work extremely frustrating however. 

So on this Memorial Day, I am humbled to remember how fragile life is, both for those we have lost and those we have yet to embrace into our lives.  We thank our service men and women who have given so much for their country and for the families of those who serve and their sacrifice. 

We have a robin's nest just outside our front door, literally two feet.  We have had an amazing time watching first one, then two, then five eggs in the nest!  Today, we woke up and we've got baby birds!!  It's such a reminder of how delicate life is and how much we need to be thankful for. 

Many blessings! 

The Calm Before The Storm

I can feel it...the time is creeping up on us when suddenly we'll get the call that will quite literally change our lives.  We are in that moment that we will later look back on and say "Why didn't we go on a vacation? or Why didn't we spend more time preparing?"

'Calm' is certainly not the most appropriate word here as what we are feeling is, in fact, anything other than calm.  Anxiety, nervousness, excitement, fear...just to name a few. 

Now, please excuse me while I try and calm my "calmness" with some chocolate.  :)

Happy Mother's Day to the Lucky Mama's and Mama's-To-Be Out There!

Mother's day has been a difficult day for the past few years.  I've always tried to stay upbeat and positive about days like this knowing that one day, I will get a homemade card and macaroni necklace too.  We've used this day to celebrate the mother figures in our lives and how much we love them for being so wonderful to us.  Unfortunately, for many waiting mamas-to-be, Mother's day can often serve as a reminder of what we don't yet have.

Today, while out for quick appetizers, a friend of ours wished me a happy 'future' mother's day.  It was the sweetest thing and I immediately teared up.  I hadn't really thought I counted for this holiday yet.

I'm working on building my relationships and connections with other adoptive families to work through some of these tough times and found some great articles! 

How To Stay Upbeat This Mother's Day
How To Celebrate An Adoptive Mom-To-Be on Mother's Day
How to Survive a Mother's Day When You're Waiting to Adopt

To all the mothers and mothers-to-be whether through adoption or not, may I wish you a very happy Mother's day!

Kelly

Facing Race

Snake Eyes(good) & Storm Shadow(bad)

Last night Tony and I had an extremely rare 'date night.' (Soon to be all but extinct with kiddos! :) We went to see G.I. Joe: Retaliation in theaters.  Halfway through the movie I leaned over to Tony and asked him if he could think of any other time when two opposing characters (good and evil) are portrayed with good being dressed in black, and bad being dressed in white.  He couldn't.

Traditionally, characters in comics, movies, etc... always have the 'good' guys dressed in white and the 'bad' guys dressed in black.  Hmmm.   It's pretty common in our culture to associate good with things that are light, clean, heroic and safe, and bad with things that are dark, dirty, evil, or unsafe.  Ummm....The Dark Side?

Is it always the case?  Not at all.  Black is associated with elegance,  finances "In The Black," and let us not forget the LBD (Little Black Dress), any girl's go-to!!  However, do these trump the emotional upheaval this color psychology can have on our kids, my kids?

This issue is so deep, I can't even begin to touch it, nor am I qualified.   Watching the movie with Tony just put some thoughts into my head about how/when we will have to address this and what can we do to ensure that our child(ren) will develop strong sense of self and inner beauty to combat these subconscious thoughts?

Deep breath...
K & T

Cautious Nesting...

This past week, Tony and I have found ourselves beginning to cautiously nest.  We bought paint(gray) for the kid room and I found a mobile on etsy that I'm absolutely in love with!  The seller only had one, so I bought it!! It's actually a dreamcatcher, but I'm using it as a mobile!  We've been hesitant to begin purchasing and setting up.  Obviously, for many practical reasons including the fact that we have no idea whether it's a boy or girl as well as age, size, etc...  However, I'd be lying if I said that those were the only reasons.  Of course, once you start accumulating the 'stuff' it becomes a constant reminder of what you do not yet have.  I think some people are better at this, but I'm not one of 'em! 

Getting Ready for The Unknown...

I've found Sundays to be a great day to document our journey.  My mind is not full of the week's craziness quite yet and I have a clear(ish) head.

We have heard from so many people that the waiting period between dossier and referral is the longest.  For a long time,  I didn't buy it.  We have been at this process for nearly 20 months and have found each step nearly as frustrating as the last, if not more.  I WAS WRONG!!!  This wait is excruciatingly painful.  Every time the phone rings I stop breathing for a few seconds.  I just cannot believe that one day, we will receive a call saying they've chosen a child for us! 

In the meantime we're attempting to focus our energies on what we can control.  Getting things in order, preparing for the upcoming garage sale, and just living our lives.  (I really want to paint the kids' room but Tony is holding strong...)  :) 

 Now, we have no way of knowing when we'll get our referral.  It could be this week or next year.  What a ride!  Who needs the amusement park, just adopt! 

Ashe

Remembering to Live TODAY

In life, we try and 'live in the moment.'  To do this, we must try and enjoy the process of things as much as our desired end result.  Just like others, I often find this concept easier to stomach when it comes to the simpler things (diet, exercise, gardening, etc...).   I am loudly admitting that being in the moment has not always been on mind throughout this entire process, okay, never on my mind.  I have had difficulty finding joy in filling out paperwork and writing checks.

As we continue on our journey however, I find it imperative to remind myself daily to LIVE TODAY! 

Today I Enjoyed...
Having breakfast with my husband, dad, Patti & her son Kelvin
Watching cartoons
Napping
Playing with Sam
Checking Adoption Blogs

Today I Pray For...
Health of family and friends

<3 to All
T&K

Dossier Complete!!!

After a disappointing oversight on my part (and a $50 overnight fedex charge to Missouri) we have finally sent our dossier!  Hopefully they will have our paperwork within the next few weeks and we begin the big wait for a referral (that has a PICTURE attached of a kid/s).  We happily spent over an hour at FedEx/Kinkos and over $100 to make all of our copies and mail the goods tonight.

What's in this giant stack of papers you ask?



Certified Copies of Birth Certificates
Certified Copy of Marriage Certificate
Home Study
Medical Letters
Police Clearance Letters
Employment Letters
Bank Statements
Photocopy of last 3 years 1040 Tax Returns
Passport Photos & Signature Pages
Post-Placement and Heritage Trip Agreement
Pastoral Recommendation Letter
Family Recommendation Letter
Friend Recommendation Letter
Photographs of Family & Home
Guardianship Letter
Proof of Home Ownership
Travel Contract
Fee Agreement
Training Certificates
Service Plan
(Not to mention that all of these had to be notarized...yes, I had to notarize photos of my kitchen, as well as state sealed ;)

We are so thankful to all of the people who helped put this paperwork together!  We couldn't have done it without all of your support and help! Thank you!

<3 Tony & Kelly

Learn On!

The adoption process is full of hurry ups and wait...and wait...and wait.  Wait time isn't easy, especially when it's indefinite.  With our time, we are living life, but also doing what we can to prepare.  We've just purchased the documentary called Somewhere Between.  I can't wait to get it in the mail and share it with family and friends!  Documentary party at our place anyone?!  :) 

Next Steps

Wow, we are so excited to report that we have been fully accepted us into the program and we are good to go!  We know that so much can still impede us on this journey, but we are fully committed to being a family! 

Our time has lately been filled with completing the final portions of the dossier and are very optimistic that we will have our dossier in country by the end of March.  :)  Yeah!

We are keeping busy with preparing for our giant garage sale coming up on May 9-11.  Our good friend is storing all of the awesome stuff and we are slowly getting through it all to price and sort.  We feel so blessed with the outpouring of support shown to us during this time.  A difficult and emotional process has been made just a little easier with the outpouring of support. 

Love,
Tony & Kelly