Forget the paperwork. Forget the money. Forget the time. I speak to you today from the very bottom of my very battered and bruised heart. The reality is, for our waiting family, the holidays are brutal. At this point, I feel the need to offer my apologies because I grow nervous that some will take offense. However, after three years of consoling others about our situation, I feel the need to give it straight, if not for anyone but myself, or maybe others who can empathize with our struggle. It's exhausting pretending to be happy...plus I'm not that good of an actress. I will smile, and laugh, and feel genuine happiness during this time. Yet underneath everything, is a thickening layer of ache. A widening want for the Christmas morning I am awoken too early by my overly eager little and sleepily watch as they reveal the contents of their stocking. I cannot describe this ache, it goes well beyond anything else I have ever wanted in my life. It's an empty feeling, like someone drained my insides. Being a mother w/o a child is a hollow feeling.
It's not Christmas that's the problem. The real deal is that holidays are time markers....letting us know that more days/weeks/months have passed. This is the third holiday season we are entering on this journey. We have joyously watched as countless friends and family have welcomed babies over the years and continue to do so. The happiness we feel for others is in a completely different realm than our sorrow over our own empty crib.
What are we doing to get through it?
- LIVE. eat, sleep, work, play, etc...
- Prepare (when we're up to it...no sense forcing decorating or baby-proofing if we can't enjoy it)
- Care for ourselves (meditate, exercise, eat well, cry)
- Love others from a distance (i.e. hiatus from facebook & other social media sites---remain in touch with few through email & text, send our prayers out daily, and avoid the daily bombardment of photos/announcements/etc...)
- LIVE. eat, work, enjoy life, share good news with us (yes, I've asked friends to share their pregnancy news via email with me----this is just me, but I prefer to react in whatever way feels right at the time for me. I will call when I think I can handle it. :)
- Know that we're SAD, we're not DYING
- Accept our hermit status (being around others asking well-intentioned questions might bring on anxiety)
- Pity is unnecessary.
- Read something on adoption...learn some of the terms we might use
- What can you say? Like anyone going through a hard time, the best thing I've found is to echo back their feelings. Saying things like "It will happen when it's supposed to," reminds me of the control I know I don't have.
- I hesitate to write this last one, because I know it's always said with such good intentions, but please don't tell me as soon as we adopt I'll get pregnant. It's so easy to say, and I've even bought into it. The reality is that I've already mourned that part (although adoption for me was never a second best way of building a family---it is one of the ways I've always wanted to build a family)
A most blessed and happy holidays to all.
Our thoughts and prayers are with our family and friends and of course, our little one(s) waiting on us. We're doing everything we can baby.
Nkwagala (I love you)
"If I have ever seen magic, it has been in Africa." -John Hemingway
